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Wednesday, June 09, 2010

after this talk with you. i dont know how to feel. i dont know how to react. i dont know how to pull myself back together. I DONT KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! I only know i wanna get drunk. and not care about anything. i feel sad. i feel VERY sad. i felt depressed. i felt like i was dying. i hate you. for making me have false hopes. you can easily ask me to pretend nothing happened. HOW CAN IIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW CAN I?? YOU TELL ME!!! if everthing was so easy. and you said you'd think about it. but you get into a relationship with another person. I SERIOUSLY HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how can you do such things??? i feel like life is better off dead.

but on a side note, since she can give you happiness. then just go ba. go and lead a happy life. dont care about me. just leave me to die and live for my own. i love you so much but there's nothing i can do. nothing.. if being with her can give you happiness. then just go.



YYY
you do not know how much I love you
3:10 AM




Monday, June 07, 2010

And here i am again. I thought i wont be here again. I dont want to be at fault or whatever for not replying you that time again. First, you asked me to forget you. I tried. But you came contacting me again. I was happy. but you told me all that you are feeling and you said you will think about it. But the conclusion was still that you are not gonna do anything and you are gonna leave me. WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG?! You can tell me all that you feel but later tell me to ignore the messages and pretend that nothing happened? What do you take me for? A fool? I have feelings too. You can say all that you wanna say and leave me in the lurch. Do you even care about what and how am i feeling? You said this but you do another.

I wanted to contact you so much when i re-read all the msn history conversations that i had with you. I even wrote down where i was wrong and i had to keep myself reminded of where i am wrong and i had to improve. I felt remorseful and i wanted to be a better girlfriend. I want this chance so much. I feel that we can be happier and give this another shot. BUT. i cant do anything. i am not in a position to initiate anything or what. what if i iniitiate and all i get is the coldness from you? why dont you just face it and give ourselves a chance? i know you are scared. but just face it. give yourself, as well as ourselves a chance to be happy. you think that i can be happy with all these ways you have handled things? i am not. you thought that i can be happy, will be happy. but fact is that, I WONT. you only cared about how you felt. what about me? did you really consider how am i feeling? you did all these decisions for us, actually is for you. you think that we can be happy. no. you are hurting even more. and you are there, calling others baobei. so, her importance is the same as me? you really moved on? i just wanna hear it from you.

i love you. and i miss you dearly too. i just wanna talk to you. but it's more difficult than any other things. can you tell me what to do? will you give us a chance? please? if i contact you, will you not be cold to me? and have a good talk? If you miss me, remember, i didnt walk away. You let me go.



YYY
you do not know how much I love you
11:28 PM




Saturday, May 15, 2010

Your my beautiful flower and my precious diamond. Nothing in the world can replace you my dearest baby girl. I love you so much and no matter how touch or rough things get, i'll never let you go. I love you honey! Hope this message will help you get a brighter start to the day. Muacks! I go back rest le. Sms me when your up wor! Loves. From your baby bay :)

Baby! Happy 7 mth anniversary! Jus 3 mre months to a year! We can do it! Im really proud of u for changing urself for our relationship. Im really proud of u for studying so hard too! Despite all the quarrels we've had i still love you so much. I really do wana spend a lifetime wif u being by ur side and also having u by my side. I love you so much tat nth can ever replace u my love. Lets work hard tgt for mre anniversaries. And thank you for loving me despite my flaws. I love you honey! Wo de bao bei lao po :) muacks! Happy 7!

Who said u were nvr gd? There have been so many times where we enjoyed our day tgt. Anniversaries, overnights, normal day outs. Its okay if u didnt look for me when i needed u cos i noe in my heart tat u will always support me no matter hw rough things get. I wana go out wif u too. But when can i do when i have to earn for our future. Our time dun match nvm. Im sure u noe i dun mind gg work frm ur hse de. I wan u to be happy honey. Altho we cant go out like b4, at least we can still see each other even if it is for tat short while.

Baby happy 9 months! 3 more months to 1 year!!! I love you so much honey! Very very much! Thank you for being by my side all the time and you've been a great girlfriend. :) i'll be working hard for our 1 ear! :):) i love you my baby girl! More than anything in the world and i wana spend the rest of my life with you and have more monthsaries and anniversaries! I love you! Muacks! Happy 9 months!

Staring at my lava lamp missing my baby girl. I dun wana be useles sin the future. I really wana marry you and be a good husband. Giving you a good life and taking care of you. Being able to give you anything you want and seeing you smile each and everyday. I really love you honey. Very very much.

Its ok if i dun get to hold your hand. Its ok if i dun get to hug you. Its ok if i dun get to kiss you. But its not ok if i dun have you by my side. Cause i know that i can never live without you. I love you so much that i've become addicted to you and need you that badly. Your the girl i want. The one i love. Im just a bee attracted to a beautiful flower. I love you baby. Very very much and i'll never leave you no matter how hard or rough things get. I love you honey! Muacks! Have a gd rest and sleep tight! <3

Honey! Happy 11th mth! Just 1 more month to go to 1 year! Thank you for being by my side my dear. I love you so so much! Always being there for me and caring for me. Muacks you! I'll try my best to give us a great future k? I love you loads my dear! Happy 11th! We'll have more to go :) <3 love love hug hug kiss kiss :)

Nw i understand. Im sry too tat i gt angry so easily. And honey u aren't fat at all really. I've nvr tot tat u were fat. I love you for hw caring, understanding, cheerful, loving, funny, fun and cute u can be.

Dear! Happy 1 year! Can you believe it? 365 days tgt just me and you. Lots of ups and downs but we're still tgt! I love you my baby girl. Im sorry for the times i've made you cry. I love you so so so much honey and i really want us to last a lifetime. I love you bao bei! Very very much! Muacks!

Baby! Happy 13th month! Wee! I love you my baby girl! 11 mre months to another year wor! I love you so so much! Lets grow old together and i'll be by your side forever as i promised! <3 happy 13!

Yes i understand. Baby you dont have a choice. You can do it! Last sem already just chiong all the way! You can one!

Baby! Happy 2nd 21st bday! 1 year older le. Must be more mature and noe what's rite and wrong k? Love you! Happy birthday!

WHAT HAPPEN TO ALL THESE?!?!What happen to all the promises you made?! WHat happen to all the things you said?! YOU FORGOT ALL THESE!!!!!!!!! ALl you know is i've done you wrong. ALl you know is another girl's better. DO you even remember all the things i've done for you?!?! The times i've stayed by you?? The times when we came to a point where you asked if i will support you in everything you do? AND I SAID YES??? DO you even remember my good?? NOOOO!!! You are now happily in love with another girl. What happen to the grow old together and never leave me no matter how rough and how tough things get and i've stayed by you all the time?? Where is our future? Where is the work hard for our future? Nothing. ZERO!! NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cant believe that you have changed so drastically. I cant believe that things and human can change 360 degrees in such a short period of time. Yes i cant take it. Yes i cant believe. WHERE IS THE OLD EUGENE TAY YU JIN!!??? WHERE ARE YOU!!!! I miss youu. Please revert back to your old self. WHy are things like that??

I dont wanna live in your shadows anymore. I wanna move on. I really do. I dont wanna be haunted by you and her and everything. I need my life. I need to move on. But i am trying damn hard yet i still think of you everyday. FOR FUCK?! I want you out of my life.



YYY
you do not know how much I love you
1:58 AM




Wednesday, May 12, 2010

you know, these days i sleep very late. cause i dont dare to sleep early. because i know i will be alone. much as nobody is talking to me, but at least i can keep myself occupied while thinking of you and trying not to think of you. i will be likely to wait till ah ma wakes up then i go sleep. if not, i will just go to bed but cry myself to sleep. i hate this life. i fear this loneliness that i am feeling. i am scared. plus, the thought of you and her. makes me even more xin ku and painful. but there's nothing i can do. i dont want. I DONT WANT ALL THESE TO HAPPEN!!



YYY
you do not know how much I love you
3:01 AM





baby, there are alot of things i wanna tell you. i got HD for my WIL 2 the one on SPH. :) Thanks baby for helping me! Thanks for spending your time and helping me even thou we were alr broken up. THanks for spending your night at macs with me. THANKS!! my heartfelt thanks.

Baby, although i cant and i am not fit to call you baby alr. But i still want to, in my heart. you are my baby. my lovely baby boy. the thing i wanna tell you now is, BABY I MISS YOU VERY BADLY!! baby can you hear me? baby can you hear me?? This is what i kept repeating to myself. And looking at our picture in my ezlink pouch. i cant help but think of you. I MISS YOU!!! ALOT, VERY MUCH! my heart aches alot. Baby can you hear me? I miss you alot. I hope you are fine. BABY!!!! I MISS YOU!! I wish i can hug you and feel your bao now. Baby i need you. I miss you and i love you. If i tell myself i dont, i'd be lying. Hope you can hear me. BABY!! now even though i am writing here i cant seem to express the things i wanna say. i wanna shout out loud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BABY I MISS YOU ALOTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!! can you feel it? can you hear it? if yes, can you shout back to me too? let me know you are here. please.. :((



YYY
you do not know how much I love you
2:41 AM





It's been 2 year plus since i last blogged. And i am sad to say that i come here cause i have no one to talk to. And that the purpose of blogging is because i am sad. I feel very painful. I just broke up. Broke up with the guy i love most. I have alot of things to say. And thoughts just keep coming to my mind. But i forgot to note down. So i will be just writing whatever that comes to my mind.

Firstly. I wanna apologize to you for all the hurt that i've caused you. I really am very regretful. I really hope you will forgive me. My fault. For not learning how to cherish you, treasure you, and really make the times we are together happy to the max. All these, i have no other words to describe. But regrets. IF only, but it's all too late. I only learn after you are gone. Now that you are with another girl, i cant do anything but wish you all the best. I love you, so i am letting you go. No matter how hard it is for me. It really pains me.

Only after we hung up that night, i realized actually there are still things that prove that i am not what you said of me. When ken and other fellows went to the airport and bring you back, did i scold you? I didnt. All i hope was that you are fine. I really hope that nothing happens to you. I was so worried sick. I never cook hard boiled egg before. Neither have i rub the egg for anybody before. But all i know was to do it, and for you. Until now, as hard as i try not to think of you, i still do. I dont have the mood to do anything. But to act strong. After what happened, i realize that my family is also very important. Ah yi cried when she saw me like that. So, i have to stop being like that and make her happy. Everywhere i go, i think of you. Everynight before i sleep, i think of you. THinking how are you, thinking whether you are cold or whether you have anything to eat. Yes you are independent, you can take care of yourself. But, Switzerland. You have never been so far away before. Can you take it? What if you are harmed by people or people trick you. How? And for your police case, i prayed that you will be fine and safe. And to pray that the person will stay alive and recover soon. I dont want anything to happen to you. I dont want your future to be ruined.

When i think of what you will be doing with her, my heart aches. All the things that i've done with you, you will be doing with her. You said, yes you understand that no one wants the person you love to be with another person. But now? What can i do. You said you wont get into a relationship so soon. But yet you did it. What can i do?? I can only accept it. You compare me with her. when you barely knew her. What makes you think i cant be the same? She's rich, it's her first time eating at the coffee shop. Then what about me? Didnt i also enjoy the times eating zhi char and drinking and hogging the tv with you at the coffee shop? Did i complain? b, it really pains me you know. My heart really aches. like hell. She's rich and never go coffee shop before. It shows her sacrifice. But what about me? I can too. As long as we are happy. Haix. No matter what i said, it's no use alr. It's all in the past. It's all too late. I am accepting it.

But back to everything, yes i am wrong, yes i caused you pain, for the 1year, i know you are hurt. Everybody makes mistakes, so do i. I merely took longer time to wake up. But yes, it's still too late. Maybe, we're not meant to be or something? But. Have you thought of the things, the little things i did for you? And some of the sacrifices that i made for you? Are my good being blinded by all my mistakeS? All? I am not perfect. Well, anyway, nobody will be reading this. At least i know you wont. I just have nobody to talk to. So i am just writing here. 2 more days to our supposedly 1 year 3 months. But it's GONE. it's goneee. forever.

I hope you are fine, safe, have enough to eat, have enough to wear. These are the most important. Cause i know there are other people who will care about you. Really hope you are okay. I love you.



YYY
you do not know how much I love you
12:44 AM




Friday, May 02, 2008

I'm here again.
When was my last time here?
I dont even remember.
So many things have happened.
I've graduated from Ngee Ann Poly.
I took up dragon boating.
I've worked at Great Eastern.
So many "i have... i did..." in such a short period of time.
Time really flies.
Ohh, first post for 2008.
Happy 2008! =)
And a Happy Belated 20th Birthday to me. =D
(Thanks guys for the celebration. Love it)
Sorry Aunt, Daddy, Mummy for not being there to celebrate with you all on your birthdays. Sorry. Happy Birthday all. Love you all.
...
Oh, you mean you can add videos on your blog? Oh cool.



YYY
you do not know how much I love you
3:55 AM




Monday, November 26, 2007

was called indecent.
by this guy.
haha.
was "high" that night, and what i knew that day came as a blow to me.
kept harping on it, asking my friends why is it like that.
They said, yeah, he' s like that.
He is nothing more, but i have no idea why am i like that.
Maybe, no one told me i am one before.
Oh wells.

Consecutive chats over the phone made me wake up.
And there's this freaking day, when she told me what actually happened backstage.
Was kinda happy? But i knew, once again, it's not to be true.
Especially that certain criteria, haha. Thou it's much better than hers.
But again, it's just a facade.
Not true.. no.
Ass boyfriend of hers sounded him and made me so paiseh as thou i am interested.
Again, went out with that clique.
Initially, he seemed sian.
Ass boyfriend of hers dee siaoed us again. Yeah. Kept his blazer for him.
And that sugar cane thing. Hah.
Then through the night,
talked. Wanted to play but ended up talking.
Knew more, but something held me back, or rather, was waiting for him to ask.
Yeah, that we have common interest.
But whatever, dont care that much.
He's rather observant. I mean very, in fact.
What my friend said, he'd comment.
What i did, he'd comment. (Are you hungry?)
I'm okay. (She looks better. Did you peng the other day?)
Yada yada yada...
Walk with me. i dont know.
Went mac at orchard.
Caring act?
He's weird. Cant ever guess what's on his mind.
Sometimes seems rude. Sometimes seems good.
Who are you?
What are you?
Devil? Angel?
Opened door like a gentleman.
Deep beneath you?
Shrugs.

Really wanna know what's the comment after this episode. but still, dont ever take it to heart. Really. Must learn.


....................................................................................

And this, played me out for like, 3 times?
3 freaking times.
Everytime, it's depleting me of my trust for you.
Never, never gonna believe you again.
Never, never gonna trust your words again.
Never, never urge for more outings again.
Never, never again.

Waste my time. Waste my money. Waste my energy. Waste my feelings.
Waste me.

To continue, or not?



YYY
you do not know how much I love you
9:06 AM




Tuesday, October 09, 2007

MOS that night was a multi-racial one.
A good, yet horrible experience.
Almost died in the hands of horrigibility. (If there's a word like such.)
It's also the day of my first experience after so many.
At the Mac door it is.
Knew you, and now i still do. =D


So it was the following week.
The second one.
Surprised at the sudden luck.
But it wasnt a night for xin.
Ended up in hospital and it was the first time i wheeled a wheelchair.
What an experience.

...............


Seems like everybody's driving.
Went to Tenchi warehouse with xiang and met the rest there.
Meeting progressed.
Dont know am i sensitive or what.
Just felt that Tenchi people hate me.
They dont look at me in the eyes when they talk.
Their face are always -_-.
Bahh.
Then after that, yi sent me and xiang back to mrt station.
Wow. Cool baby.


Had NPS camp.
Comm members are all my close friends.
Camp was slack.
Didnt join much of the games cause had to leave halfway for Tenchi meeting.
Was Ketchup's cheerleader.
Was so damn stressed when we were asked to give a cheer and it ended up cold.
Damn worried.
Really thanks to dear Caroline and dear Sandra for helping me with cheering.
And it was a GREAT challenge between Ketcup and Chilli.
Ketchup members really showed me the cooperation and everybody did a GREAT job.
Ketchup unite!
Ketchup won the cheering competition.
I was so touched i wanted to cry.
I was so happy that Ketchup won but we still lost for the final camp.
It's okay.
I still love Ketchup anyways. =)


..........................

Went to work mooncake at GWP.
Made alot of friends there.
Still havent collected my pay.
Like what poon said, cultural exchange.
Bulan kueh! = Mooncake.
Pergi kamarlmanli = Go toilet. (I dont know how to spell)
I learnt alot from the Balinese.
And they have become my favourite past time people other than others.
Funny things happened.
Like how Adi talked to me.
And him. He's my sunshine.
But somehow, he disappeared.

Somehow, i always meet the wrong one.

............................


Really.
It's a serious problem of mine.
To be so sensitive.
I make assumptions based on what i see.
And this sucky act really cost a heavy price.
Be it change in attitudes, or what.
I dont know.
I just know it sucks. Like hell.
I have to change.
And the worst scenario is to cause misunderstandings.
Unnecessary ones. Especially.
Ahh. Tell me how.
Boohoo. =(

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never assume.
and i still didnt learn.



YYY
you do not know how much I love you
6:21 PM