And now, i am sitting infront of my com, feeling so damn sad but i know only i myself can help myself. Nevermind, i am here to clean up all the spider webs after leaving it stranded so long.
After exams and new year marks the start of my ITP. And it's been around 2 whole weeks and 3 days i have been through with my attachment. Initially, it's still okay. But as time goes by, it sucks. I was at my local sales department initially, where i really belong to. I did all those administration stuffs for customer's installation of SHARP products, those return and exchange of any faulty goods, those transfer of goods from 1 warehouse to another, sales and purchase order, alot of things. But as i get more familiarised with what i am doing, i start to enjoy it. And all those meeting bosses for them to endorse documents (which i dread going to work and seeing them cause i scared they ask questions which i dont know). But Richard is kinda good to me. He teaches me and of course other managers and seniors too. Not forgetting those Japanese bosses where some looks cute and handsome. Haha. And the salesmen! Some are nice la. Will talk to me de. Hee. And Ben from marketing which i am transferred to now. or rather, i am helping out at now. And Francis from Export, my love, his voice is damn sexy and i still remember how i used to sit infront of him to typewrite my stuffs and try to type as slowly as possible to hear his voice. And i remembered there's once when he actually cracked jokes beside me and i had to turn away to prevent him from knowing i am actually laughing at him. Humour, sexy voice, nice build, not bad huh. hee. and there's once when his boss burped, then i unknowingly looked at him and he laughed and told his boss, "dont frighten this little girl la, she's here for a few days only." True enough, he knows what i am thinking, and he knows i am here for a few days only. But also ya la, so obvious if he didnt see me before and i suddenly pop out. But this is not the point, the point is "little girl". What more can i ask for? When a guy calls you "girl", ruffles your hair, and even the smallest and slightest thing or action or even words can make me feel i am the whole world. It really does matter. I am one who longs for affection and attention and not neglect and other ungentlemanly things other people who are capable of doing. I am easily contented. really. and i am sure to give my all. but sometimes it depends on is it worth it but still i will, blinded bah. now i think i am stupid. argh okay nevermind, back to topic. ya and there's still once when he came and helped me to repair the photocopy machine and we talked. haha. and we exchanged glances. awww~ more of this to happen! i wanted to thank him but i cant possibly say," hey francis, thanks for helping!". I dont dare and i didnt. Regrets. and i now will often be around him and pretend i didnt see him. so yep. and he uses a blue water bottle, and a winnie the pooh mug. and the ring tone he uses is "Liang shan bo yu zhu li ye". =)
Now i am "transferred" to marketing department, i can see Ben. Haha. He's cute. still remember the first time we talked is when he asked me he and derek who's older and to guess their age. Hee. Was surprised that Derek's only 31 Years old. THought he older. Muahah. And Ben will joke la. Haha. That's not the point. Dont like le. He's married. and if everything is so easy like how a third party can ruin a couple, or should i say an unstable one. fuck it man. it's so plain selfish and irresponsible and hurtful. and better still if one wanna escape it and uses excuses and unreasonable and stupid ways to end it. funny huh? i feel like laughing. ha ha.
Then life at marketing department isnt that nice afterall. I dont feel like taking marketing already. Neither do i think i can make it. Redemptions, redemptions and redemptions of vouchers everyday. ENDLESS! And SO MANY at a go. with just 2 people doing, how can?! And for these, i am being scolded i am slow. Okay fine. Then i do fast fast then with alot mistakes, sounds good? How's that? You told me that let customer wait, best is you do slowly with no mistakes. Now so how? And i am kept being accused la. What i did not do you said i did. And what i told you already you said i didnt and blamed me. Luckily i was a little bit bolder to defend for myself. And you kept praising her and saything that she's good and i did nothing. Good. I tahan. Hypocrites everywhere. I HATE OFFICE WORK! BRRR!!! I want to go back to where i originally belong to. No competition and maybe i can do better? Please. Find more staffs. HR? What are you doing? Haha.
And one fine day which was yesterday, it almost marked the end of my going-to-19-years. I was late for work cause of something. I did not take MRT cause i know i sure will be late. So i took cab and only until 0817 did i board on the cab. No cab wants me. Then on the way i felt so frustrated and irritated and suddenly the engine sounded wierd and like it's going to explide la. Then i was thinking, "Is it going to explode or what? It sounded wierd and as if it's going to. Well anyway, good that it exploded and end my life. It sucks anyway. I am scared but i still want it to." But i didnt la. Then ya i reached outside office building. THen i only had a 50 bucks and some change. Uncle only had 50 bucks without change. So if i use my change, i would be short of 2 bucks and if i use 50 bucks, uncle would not have enough to return me my change. Then in the end, uncle said nevermind and i paid short of 2 bucks. Then things started to happen. Lane 1 is nearest to my building. Lane 4 was where the uncle dropped me at. Opposite side of the building? Then i lazy and no time to cross the zebra crossing. Then i crossed in the middle of the road. Seeing that all cars had stopped, i dashed across the road until at lane 1 where the motorcycle suddenly appeared infront of me. I got a fright and my instant reaction was to continue to dash across the road. The motorcycle was just at the left side of me, which is so damn near la. After i dashed past, i hear the screeching of the motorcycle. Why didnt it banged me? Good if it did. Then i took the lift and i was like dazing. I reached outside office and i cried. Then Derek saw me and got a shock. I said i was okay then i hid in the pantry to wipe off my tears and went to work. After that, Derek asked me again if i was okay then i told him. Then he sort of consoled me la. Ya lor. Haix. Then later in the day i met another unreasonable customer. He demanded that we give him his vouchers. But according to company policies, we cant release. So ya. Twice. Twice and nobody helped me. I came back so many times and they refused to help me until Priscilla finally helped me. She was.. DAMN pro. Guess this is what they have learnt after dealing with so many customers bah. I am so gonna learn from her. Smile and apologize. And be firm. I am not. So i am going to be. Can see the customer was actually very stubborn and angry and wanted to talk back but he was being defeated by Priscilla. And he kept quiet and all he could do was to nod his head. haha so funny. Haix. Sometimes really hate myself.
Then at night, went out with my Year 1 classmates. Love you all man! Never fail to enjoy unlimited laughter with you all around. Went to have Swensons. Had a feast. Especially the earthquake. Haha. Not as nice as me. Right? Hee. I make nicer earthquakes. Heh. Lalala~ Then after that, went to arcade. Never go clubbing although i feel like. Hee. Argh. Next time. Okays?Sorry Winnie! Pangseh you so many times. haha. Sorry la okay? And ya, so late le then Justin and his dad sent me home. Awww~ Thanks Just! hEE. nice talking to you on the car too. Hah. Anyway, Joyce got a nice pressie! And another is still in process! Wait patiently alrights? haha. and just, sorry for the girly pressie. muahaha. =) Happy birthday boy and girl!! Who is which please identify yourself alright? Hahaha. And joyce said," This lady wants chocolate chip." Hahha. Oh! The malay waiter quite cute. and i LOVE CHICKEN BREADED MENUIRE AND CHICKENMARIE. Muahahah! The chickens.
~
Till now. I am still so vexed over it. It's been 1 month and 8 days. Initially, initially i thought i have gotten over it. But now, recently, i realised that i havent. In fact, it's getting worse. Trust me. Maybe it's because i am having ITP, then i began to think alot more. Whenever i am alone, or even with friends. Just when it seems quiet. On the train to work. GOing back from work. Working. Every little thing reminds me of you. Dates, words, addresses, places, everything. And each time, my heart sinks. Deep deep down. You wont know. Cause you are not me. And that time you chose to escape. You chose to avoid and put an end to everything. I can still remember clearly, how you chose to end it. It's damn pathetic can. It's damn not right. But you chose to do it, i have no say. Isnt it? And yes, i am left with no choice. And even for the aftermath, you are telling me what to do. And what you said in your afterwords, i think you are not even doing it. Maybe, you are trying to avoid again. The 2 smses i think they sure do seem insignificant to you huh? That's so unglam. and i told myself, "Mabia, please love yourself and dont be so stupid anymore. He wont know and wont feel it, cause he cant see. He will NEVER know. So please dont do that again." The more i tell myself to do it, to move on, i cant. I am back to square one. But i am still happy, that i did not do any stupid things to make you think i am underserving and irritating and thinking," why are you doing this when i am not reciprocating". I think now you thought that's the end to everything. Yes, it may seems like it on the surface. But deep down inside, i tell you. It's not. For me, its for sure. But you, i dont know. And if what you said in your afterwords is what you said just for some nice ending, and you are not doing it, at least until now you are not, i think it's not worth it. And i think i wont want to appreciate and give a damn about it. Our friendship. Cause you are the one who said it and are not even doing it. Time maybe. We shall see. Now, i am even more affirmed that promises are meant to be broken. Even things in black and white are to be void. Policies and rules can be not obeyed. That's what i see now. =) Think you are not giving a thought about what we had before. You may think i am assuming again, but i think i am not. It's all so plain obvious. Your everything explains for itself. It explains everything. and nothing has to be said. Now, i dont know what to say although alot of things are going through my mind and heart now. I want to say it out but i dont know how to jot them in words. I cant. They shall be kept. All in all, I just want to tell you that you wont know and feel what i am going through now cause you cant see and from the start, you have been the one ruling it all. I have no say. Think about it, and you will realise it's true. Even if i said anything, it did not make any differences ya? I think i am just another victim to be twirled into this tornado. Maybe, it all shouldnt have started. And yep, since i am partly who agreed into this, i shall clear up the mess now. Alone, by myself. And to you, if you happen to read my blog, i wont hate you, i wont blame you. I will only feel disappointed and sad. Cause you said before, whatever happens in ..... , it's not only 1 person's fault. But now it's different, and for your case, i long know about it before the end, i know it's hard on you too. So ya. Dont worry about anything and hope you are living life better than i am. And hope you get what you truly love. Best wishes and Take care. =)
YYY
you do not know how much I love you
2:11 PM